Feedback:
- connects one person to another.
- states the impression that I make on you.
Our society emphasizes the value of honesty. Yet, we deceive -- as we relate to others.
When we attempt to minimize emotional pain for others and ourselves then
we rarely express our honest feelings to others. Often, we tell "little white lies".
We say something positive or reassuring rather than be direct, honest, or critical.
People think criticism must hurt.
- I may intend to help you, but irritate or embarrass you. And, in the process, diminish my effectiveness.
- If I never know my impact on you then I reduce my range of effectiveness.
- Most of us can improve our style of interpersonal communications.
- When we are aware of our impact on others, we can be more effective as people (parents, teachers, etc).
Consider useless versus useful feedback.
- If you give me feedback to hurt or express your anger without any goal to improve our understanding then your feedback is useless.
- If your feedback is critical without any balance of useful choices then your feedback may be useless.
WHEN you intervene with feedback, after my useless action, and:
- Get my permission to give me feedback(1)
- Describe (not judge(2)) my useless action
- Define the useful action to me in a specific manner
- Double check to clarify our mutual understanding
THEN your feedback may help me -- for example:
- “I know you may be having a difficult day, but I would like to show you how to do this job in an easier manner. Is now a good time?”
- "When you yell at me, I feel like not talking to you."
Rather than:
- "When you yell at me, it’s bad."
- The word ‘bad’ is a judgment.
- Judgments put a value on the action.
- Sometimes, even a positive judgment may be useless.